“I got my preconception bloods done and my iron was really, really low and I was rubella non-immune which is something you ideally want to have immunity for before you conceive. That was a bit disappointing because the vaccine is spread out over months so that pushed us back and I was so ready to start trying…I felt like I wanted to be pregnant yesterday. And then it took us twelve months to conceive Alfie which was a huge shock. I was totally spun out, wondering what was going on and starting to feel very stressed about secondary fertility. Showing up online in a pregnancy space was starting to get very challenging. We were about to start the investigation process and that month, we conceived. In retrospect, I can see that it was an incredibly stressful year – we moved interstate, Poppy was on daycare waitlists, we had two international trips and I was trying to establish my business in a new location. This pregnancy has humbled me.

“I knew I wanted continuity of midwifery care. I’d considered homebirth and if we were still in Melbourne, I would have gone down that path, but I didn’t know any midwives in my local area and the one I felt connected with was going on leave around my due date. I got into the MGP programme at one of the hospitals near me but it was the furthest from my home – a 45 minute drive – and it niggled in my mind. I knew I was okay with birthing at home but I didn’t want to give birth to my baby in the car. And then I had a series of appointments and I never felt comfortable. There were a few policy-based conversations that didn’t sit right with me and the language wasn’t woman-centred. They also glanced over my birth notes and commented on Poppy’s size and that’s when they told me I’d need third trimester growth scans; I was only 12 weeks at the time. Every time I left that hospital I felt a sense of unease. It wasn’t the individual midwives but it was the hospital culture and it was evident in the MGP so I wondered what it would be like in other care models.

“Fortuitously we ended up having to leave our rental and we moved in with my parents which meant we were much closer to the other hospital. It felt like a logical choice although it meant giving up MGP and I was halfway through my pregnancy. But from my first appointment it was so much more relaxed and aligned with the kind of care I was seeking. I went through the midwife clinic but I didn’t have a known midwife at my birth.

“This experience, of also being online and having a pregnancy-based algorithm where there was a lot of talk about birth trauma and the implications of birthing in the hospital – it was unsettling. It really gave me an insight into what it’s like for women who have no awareness of the system.

“A supportive GP is essential if you’re really unwell or have HG in pregnancy and I have an amazing one who listened; she scheduled phone appointments to check up and monitor my medication and symptoms. I also started acupuncture early in pregnancy specifically for nausea. Nothing solves it – expectation adjustment is a big one – but acupuncture, medication and a lot of rest definitely helped.

“I was excited to birth again. I’d proven that I could navigate the intensity of pain so I re-listened to Jodi’s episode and she said that just as you have to let go of a negative or traumatic birth experience, you have to let go of your past positive birth experience to make space for the next one because you’re birthing another baby, it’s going to be different. I was about 34 weeks at the time and in my head I was thinking I would just have Popy’s birth again. So then I really focussed on the fact that it was going to be different. In my first birth I prepared for pain and this birth I prepared for pace because second births are typically quicker and faster.

“I also relistened to Rhea and Jodi’s episode in The Birth Class. I was teaching birth education classes right up to 37 weeks and towards the end I really focussed on encouraging him into a good position. Throughout my whole pregnancy – in every appointment – Alfie’s size was raised by the midwives. The only way I can describe it is that I was deeply unconcerned; I wasn’t going to take on the fear of a big baby. They did refer me to an obstetrician at 32 weeks and Tristan came along to that appointment with me. I explained that my first baby was 4.2kg and she measured me and I was on dates but she recommended growth scans but I declined. I knew the only thing that would come from that is an induction for a big baby and that’s not a path I wanted to go down.

“In late pregnancy, your resolve can start to wobble. The midwife mentioned his size and asked if I was sure about declining the induction. As I was leaving she said: “they’ll get this baby out one way or another” and I just got in the car and cried. She planted a seed of doubt as to whether I’d be able to birth my baby without assistance. Again, as a care provider I’m so cognizant of these things, we have to give women the chance and the confidence.

“At around 39 weeks my head went a bit loopy, as you do at that late stage. I was have constant braxton hicks and I was trying to be patient but I was curb walking, getting weekly acupuncture and drinking the tea. At 39+4 I woke in the morning, went to the toilet, got back into bed and my waters broke. I felt a huge relief. All through pregnancy I had a feeling that my waters breaking would be the start of labour. I made the informed decision to stay at home instead of going in for a check. Tristan took Poppy to daycare and when he came home he suggested we just watch some tv and it was so nice to have that hour together; just hanging out. Labour fizzled and I was really disappointed so I got up to move about. The hours were ticking by and I really thought the contractions would have intensified by this time. It really threw me. I went to the bedroom to see if I could rest and refocus and about half an hour later I called the hospital because I felt like I needed a midwife. The first thing she said was that I should have come in at 5am because that was hospital policy. I didn’t know what I needed but I knew I didn’t need the rulebook thrown at me…I got off the phone and cried, it was a massive cry. Tears were streaming out of me. It was the first time that I acknowledged that I was scared because all my appointments had been in the community centre, not the hospital, and I felt like I was holding back. Tristan thought that as soon as I was at the hospital and I’d met my midwives, labour would progress.

“Interestingly, the contractions were really intense after that. It was like I needed to get past that mental block. I called the midwife and told her I was coming in and then of course once we got to hospital the contractions mellowed. I’d actually met my midwife because she interviewed me to work at the hospital and I was honest with her; I told her I was really in my head and she told me to take my midwife hat off. She told me she was just going to leave me, she encouraged me not to look at the clock and she was a bit bossy and told me to stop midwifing myself. And I relaxed. Over the next thirty minutes labour got really intense. By the time she came back I was standing up, leaning over the bed and roaring.

“Going from a rhythmic labour to navigating really challenging, intense contractions was really hard mentally. I had to really find my breath and I was moving a lot and being vocal. I instinctively wanted to be on all fours on the mat and I got hot and doubtful; it was intense relief to be at that stage but then I had the fear of experiencing the most intense part. Tristan and the midwife coached me through that part, reminding me to soften, and I could feel Alfie engage, I could feel the descent and it was so wild to have cognizance of that. I followed my body’s lead and pushed when I needed to; birthing his head was so amazing. I had a bit of my midwife hat on because I asked if his chin had cleared. Interestingly his head came and then I didn’t have contractions for a little while and I asked if he was turning (that’s what they do to free their shoulder). My midwife told me he hadn’t but she reassured me that we had time and to wait for the next contraction. I couldn’t feel him moving but I could feel him kicking me from the inside. I brought one knee right up and pushed and he didn’t come so I put my other knee up and really actively pushed.

“I had a thought – clear as day – that I had to do something to get him out but I wasn’t scared; I told the midwife I would do McRoberts. It’s a manoeuvre where you lie on your back and bring your knees up to your nipples if you feel like the baby’s shoulders may be stuck; it frees up space in the pelvis and can help to anterior shoulder release. I pushed as hard as I could and the midwife applied a bit of counter-pressure and he came. I lifted him onto my chest and he was a bit stunned but I could feel his heartrate and it was good so I was blowing on his face and talking to him. It was approaching the one minute mark and asked the midwife to give him a rub and he cried and pinked up. He was 4.6kg so he was a big boy.

“I stayed overnight and just had skin to skin with him uninterrupted. The midwives reiterated how important it was to be a mum and to ask for their help if I needed it. One of my favourite memories was Poppy coming early the next morning to meet him; it was so special.”