“Once I was ready to have kids it only took a few months to conceive but I was in denial. I opted for private obstetric care and I knew a lot of people who went with Dr Lionel Steinberg (aka Vaginal Lionel) and I was really happy with the care we received from him. I got to 20 weeks and that’s when we went into the scan and discovered an issue and I must admit I was so focussed on my business that the pregnancy was on the periphery. The sonographer kept looking for something on the scan and as time went on it just got quieter and quieter; we could feel the energy shift and we knew something was wrong. The head sonographer came in and told us he had some terrible news; our baby was missing a part of the brain – the corpus colosseum – that connects the left and right hemispheres of the brain. He suggested we go straight to Lionel’s office and he explained our options; I just cried and cried.

“We did an amniocentesis that told us it was an isolated abnormality and we didn’t want to do any testing after that. We opted to terminate for medical reasons (TFMR) and went in for another amniocentesis to stop the heartbeat before I started taking medication to prompt labour. I didn’t have time to think about the birth. When labour started in hospital I used gas and then I had morphine which made me so sick. I ended up with an epidural because I was just in so much pain. I birthed him and it was just so emotional. We kept it as a loss of something that could have been but wasn’t; we didn’t have a burial or name him and I know people do it very differently but that’s what worked for us. I was very open and honest with my family and friends and I shared all of it. It’s therapeutic for me to talk about it.

“I wanted to take time before I started trying again. Five months later we decided it was time and two months later I was pregnant. Again, I was in denial. I wasn’t overly anxious and apprehensive; there was a logical part of my brain that knew it was an isolated incident. But the 20 week scan was something we needed to get through and over. I suppose it emphasised to us that things can go wrong but I wasn’t holding onto a lot of anxiety. The positive was that I wanted to know everything about birth and Rod wanted to do everything he could to make the birth a really incredible experience. There was an immense sense of relief when the scan was done and everything was ok. I was seeing Lionel again and I did a calmbirth course with one of his midwives. I read Birth Skills by Juju Sundin, I got a TENS machine, I binged your podcast and it was so good to hear the details of labour from women, I downloaded hypnobirth tracks, I went to acupuncture and I was constantly reading and absorbing information.

“My plan was a vaginal, natural birth. I knew about the cascade of intervention and wanted to avoid it if possible. Pre-labour started after an acupuncture session. I had lower back pain all night but I slept so the next day we had a really slow morning and went for a walk. That afternoon contractions were coming quite frequently and I found standing against the wall was helpful; I would lean onto the wall through contractions. I wanted to be at home for as long as possible but Rod always knows when we need to go; I’m very vocal through labour and I highly recommend using sound. I have zero inhibitions and it really helps me through it. We went to hospital after five hours of active labour and I had the TENS machine on in the car and we were listening to the hypnobirthing tracks. We had a birth plan and when we got into the birth suite Rod told the midwife that I didn’t want pain relief so don’t offer it. I was 6cm when we got to hospital and two hours later I felt the baby bearing down and I got on the bed and then couldn’t get off. I was screaming through everything. Lionel broke my waters and Goldie was born. I needed both internal and external stitching and the pain lasted for about 10 days – it was intense.

“I used nipple shields to feed Goldie. In hindsight I’m not sure how good it was but it made everything slower, I pumped a lot because I was scared of mastitis, I had a huge supply of milk and managing the engorgement was really hard. I breastfed her for seven months, which I was happy with because I found it tough.

“I fell pregnant with Ace the first month we tried. I knew I was pregnant – I didn’t even do a test, I just knew, I felt so awful and there was no relief from the nausea which lasted 18 weeks. We were living in Byron but we planned to return to Melbourne because we had the village of family and friend support. I did most of my tests in Byron and then returned to Melbourne when I was 20 weeks and I was under Lionel’s care again. I wasn’t feeling sick but I was exhausted and blood results showed my iron was really low. I hate iron tablets so I requested an infusion and although I was nervous about getting it and within 10 days I felt like a new person; my whole being changed. I felt so much more energy, it was the best thing I did.

“My biggest fear was having another positive birth after Goldie’s; I’d become such an advocate for positive birth and had shared Goldie’ story and I started doubting whether I would have another birth like hers. I had immense fear about this birth so I had to pretend like I’d never given birth before so I read all the books, listened to your podcast all the way through, I did The Birth Class and a hypnobirthing session and that was amazing for e because I could talk through my fears and write a detailed birth plan. I didn’t want to be on my back and I wanted to do all I could to avoid tearing because I didn’t want to go through that pain in postpartum again.

“I went to acupuncture the day before my due date. The night before I went into labour and Rod was so sick with the flu and I was feeling so much anxiety and fear which when reading your book I realised was normal. I understood that the circumstances weren’t perfect but I just needed to get into the zone and ignore everything that was going on around me. I went to bed with that mindset and I woke up a few hours later with mild contractions. A few minutes later I was out of bed in active labour. I was labouring from 3-5am at home and that was when Rod said it was time to go to the hospital.

“By the time I got to hospital I was really heaving through contractions; it was progressing really quickly. When we got to the birth suite we saw Lionel and he offered to check my dilation and break my waters or leave me be and I just chose to be left alone. Rod explained to the midwife that I didn’t want to be on my back or offered pain relief and she was wonderful, honouring that. Because of all the reading and education I’d done, I knew exactly what my body was doing at every stage; I knew exactly what was going on. I was on all fours on the bed and was bearing down and I was silent and calm between contractions, heaving during contractions. I could feel Ace’s head going in and out – it was unbelievable how aware I was.

“Ace started coming out en caul and then it naturally popped and he was born. It was incredible but I was in agony afterwards and so while I’d planned to have a physiological third stage, after an hour of being in pain I opted for the injection and after I’d birthed the placenta I felt on top of the world. I only had a small graze, I knew what position to be in and the breathing techniques to use when pushing. Breastfeeding was a bit painful at first but we found our groove and I ended up feeding Ace for a year.”