Sarah | induction, COVID lockdown birth, miscarriage, pregnancy after loss, doula support, spontaneous labour, Pink Elephants

“We got to twenty three, twenty four and I just felt like we were ready. We’d bought our house and everything. And once we decided, it was pretty straightforward, we got pregnant with our son. We were very excited for everything, except then it was 2020 and the world was a bit unknown at the time. We were living at stage four restrictions, which were the heaviest restrictions, which added big layers of difficultness with dealing with everything as well as becoming a parent and a mum for the first time.

“We were just going through the public system and our appointments with the midwives were local. I did feel like I had a bit of continuity of care with the same midwife seeing me regularly. Everything was really great until it came time to birth and that was where the really hard part came.

“I was having regular checkups because I was at forty one weeks and that’s when they really started to discuss with me having an induction. I kind of just went along with it. It was recommended and my son was on the higher scale of percentage sizes. I wish I’d done a little bit more research into perhaps waiting a bit longer, closer to forty two weeks, to go into labour spontaneously.

“We went in to do the induction and they wanted to try the balloon. Once again, I just wish I had researched a little bit more into the types of induction, because I’m sure the gas wasn’t working properly, it was extremely painful. We stopped that and did the slow releasing prostaglandin gel. Because they’d done that, my husband wasn’t allowed to stay with me, so he had to leave. I did feel really lonely, in this room by myself waiting for contractions. I don’t even have any idea what a contraction is going to feel like. I just have so much empathy for that twenty five year old woman who’d never had a child before and is alone in a room during lockdown waiting for contractions.

“At about two a.m. I started feeling contractions. It got to about six a.m. and they said let’s break your waters to try and bring it on a little more. So they broke my waters and then said, would you like to call your husband now. He came in at about seven a.m. There really wasn’t much progress with dilating but the pain was just ramping up. Now looking back, with the induction, your body has gone from zero to one hundred.

“By the afternoon I was so exhausted, falling in and out of sleep during the contractions. My husband said I’d literally be snoring so loudly one second and then wake up into a scream because I was in so much pain. I opted for the epidural at that point but it was a bit funny, I said, when am I allowed to have this, and they said, you can have it whenever you want, and I said, why didn’t no one tell me this. There was a bit of miscommunication there, but I wasn’t aware that I needed to be the one to put my hand up and say I’m ready.

“It got to about nine p.m. and I was fully dilated. I pushed for over two hours. Eventually they said, Sarah, we’re going to have to do an episiotomy, and I think that gave me that final push, because right then I looked at my husband and said, I need to push, and out he was coming. Thank goodness I didn’t need the episiotomy. My husband helped catch him and placed him on my chest. He was born at 11.30pm on the eighth of the eighth, 2020.

“Once I had birthed the placenta, I began to haemorrhage so severely that all the lights came on in the room and I would say maybe over anywhere between ten and twenty staff and doctors ran into the room. My husband was in the corner holding our newborn, watching them work on me. I’d lost over two litres of blood. I think because of everything that had gone on I was in a weird state of calm. I was just looking at my baby and I just thought to myself, he’s okay, so I’m fine.

“Then, going back to what the COVID rules were, my husband wasn’t even allowed to bring my bag into my room. I just had him at 11.30pm and then they wheeled us into the room and he had to leave. No one was allowed to visit me or be with me. I just had a baby and didn’t know what to do with him, it’s all new and weird and crazy, and he wasn’t allowed to come back until five p.m. the next day.

“I think my son was three, nearly four, when we said okay, we’re ready to have another baby. I never even considered loss or miscarriage, I just thought, well, I’m still young, I’m healthy, why would we have any problems. But month after month it just wasn’t happening. Eventually we fell pregnant, so excited, we bought our son a jumper that said Big Brother.

“We went for a scan, just my husband and I, and they said they couldn’t detect the heartbeat. It was really disappointing the way that was handled. They’d done the scan, they said, look, we can’t detect a heartbeat, you’ll need to chat to your doctor about it, and they left the room. And that was it. We weren’t even upset yet because we didn’t know if we needed to be upset, we were just totally confused. I remember walking out of that place and I went to the traffic lights to cross the road and I just broke down in tears.

“No miscarriage was occurring naturally, so I was on this roller coaster for weeks, still going to work every day, just doing what I normally do, but knowing that my baby didn’t have a heartbeat anymore. Eventually they did book me in for surgery and they were actually so beautiful, they gave me a certificate of remembrance for the baby and these tiny little baby booties. I had so many conflicting thoughts, am I even allowed to be grieving this because it’s at this stage of pregnancy, do I even have a right.

“It was around that time I connected with Pink Elephants, on their Facebook peer support group. I found those groups really, really helpful, even having my husband, who’d gone through the loss as well of course, he can only understand to a certain capacity. Having those other mums in that group show their support and love really helped you to feel less isolated and less alone.

“We decided we will keep trying, and it did take a few months, and then I fell pregnant, and that one ended in miscarriage as well, a natural one this time. It was starting to feel like all hope was lost. But we did try again the month or two after, and that’s when we fell pregnant with our rainbow baby girl Elizabeth, who was born on Boxing Day.

“I was very anxious, very nervous, throughout that pregnancy. Every time I went to the toilet I was checking, is there blood, is there blood. There were certain things we chose not to do this time, like a gender reveal or telling people in a fun announcement way, because I was just worried, what if it’s a loss again.

“I did not go back to the same place for scans. I went somewhere else. I always told the medical places about my history and had a really positive experience everywhere I went from then on. This time I also booked in a doula, Kylie, to support me through pregnancy, birth and postpartum. She just felt like part of our family. I felt very empowered going into this birth.

“I had said to myself, I will not talk about or do an induction until forty two weeks minimum. I wanted to labour at home for as long as I possibly could, with as little intervention as possible.

“My waters broke at three a.m. on Christmas Eve, this huge gush. But that doesn’t mean contractions start anytime soon, so no contractions for the whole day. That night we had antibiotics and I went to sleep, a full night of rest, I feel like that was my daughter letting me have that before the big day.

“Christmas morning, still no contractions. I knew they were going to come in hot and heavy wanting to do the induction, especially with it being Christmas Day and staffing being what it was. I had about three different midwives come through to talk to me about booking it in, and I just stayed strong, I said, no, I’m not talking about it, I’ll come back tomorrow. I was recommended to try the breast pump at home to help bring on labour, so I went home, did that, and contractions started.

“I put on the TENS machine, which was absolutely fantastic, dim lights, Christmas lights on, and it was just my husband and I at home, him supporting me with snacks and drinks. I never counted contractions, I never did the strep B swab, I didn’t want any cervical checks. As long as everything seemed healthy and happy, I was going to do this on my own.

“This experience, I’m like, wow, this is actually what giving birth is like naturally, going into labour spontaneously without an induction. Worlds apart. About 1am the contractions were so intense we called Kylie to come over, and she and my husband took it in turns supporting me. I used the shower, that helped heaps with the pain.

“In the morning we called the hospital to say we were coming in and they said, sorry, you can’t come here, we’re full, there’s no room at the inn at Christmas, literally. So they sent us to the other hospital, the one where I’d had my son, but I’d had no appointments there this time. We got in the car, sleep mask on, having contractions the whole drive.

“We got there, they wheeled me in through this corridor with fairy lights everywhere, it was beautiful. I still wanted to try the bath, use anything I could to avoid medication. They said, we’ll just do one check first, hop onto the bed. By the time they’d walked out of the room I could feel in my body that I was ready to push. No one had checked me, no one had told me anything, I just knew.

“I began pushing, sitting up on my knees, holding the back of the bed, really using gravity. I pushed her out all on my own, no prompts, really listening to my body. It’s probably the one experience in my life where I felt my body has entirely taken over, it knows what to do and no one needs to tell me. I picked her up between my legs and popped her up on my chest. She was born, and there was no scream, just some little noises, so relaxed, and I believe being relaxed through the birth had an impact.

“I didn’t haemorrhage this time. I had a first degree tear so they did stitches while she was on my chest, using the gas heavily for that, in some ways more painful than giving birth itself. My husband and I were able to go to the room together afterwards, no masks, no restrictions. We did skin to skin for hours. It was the most amazing day.”