Zan & Indi – two births, queer family, home insemination, IVF, surprise breech home birth, induced lactation

Zan and Indi’s story is one of resilience, love, and determination as they navigated the complex world of queer family building. Living on Kaurna country in Adelaide with their four-year-old Jordy and four-month-old Clem, this couple’s journey offers hope and practical insights for anyone facing fertility challenges or building their family outside traditional pathways.

The Beginning: Home Insemination and Fertility Challenges

Their journey began in 2019 when they first consulted an IVF specialist, only to be told they weren’t eligible for Medicare rebates – a policy that has since changed. “Being queer, obviously there’s no ‘oh, we were trying, but we weren’t trying.’ It’s very intentional,” Zan explains, highlighting the deliberate nature of queer conception.

Unable to afford full-cost IVF, they turned to home insemination with a beloved friend as their donor. What followed was an emotionally and logistically challenging period spanning eleven cycles over nearly two years. “I would not recommend an interstate donor,” Zan reflects on the complexity of coordinating with their Melbourne-based friend whilst living in Adelaide.

The emotional toll was significant. “You can’t really overstate the intensity of the emotions and the waiting and the uncertainty and the crushing devastation every time,” Zan shares, describing the monthly disappointment that many trying to conceive will recognise.

IVF Success and Pregnancy Challenges

Eventually moving to IVF with a more supportive clinic, Zan’s first transfer was successful. However, pregnancy brought unexpected challenges, particularly severe chronic fatigue. “I would say it’s probably the most debilitated I’ve ever been in my life,” Zan recalls of the first trimester, working only four hours from bed and requiring multiple daily naps.

The pregnancy also brought complex emotions around their fertility journey. “There’s so many moments of grief on those infertility journeys because you don’t necessarily get to process what’s happened when you just suddenly get pregnant,” Zan explains, touching on the complicated feelings many experience after conception following fertility struggles.

A Surprise Breach Birth at Home

Planning a home birth with an experienced private midwife, Zan’s labour began at 39+4 weeks. What started as a beautiful morning walk during early labour quickly escalated when they realised their midwife was still 90 minutes away and labour was progressing rapidly.

“I was on all fours and Indie reminded me to pant, ’cause I’m trying not to push at this point in time, even though my body is very much wanting to push,” Zan describes the intense moments before their midwife arrived.

The biggest surprise came when their midwife announced, “That’s a bum.” Jordy was presenting breach, but their experienced midwife remained calm. “She just said, ‘you’re just gonna push this baby out,'” Zan recalls, demonstrating the importance of having confident, experienced care providers.

Despite the unexpected presentation, Jordy was born safely at home and Zan had an intact perineum – a testament to the body’s ability to birth even in challenging circumstances.

Pregnancy Loss and Healing

After a failed embryo transfer and early miscarriage, Indie decided to carry their second child. However, at eight weeks, they discovered they were carrying conjoined twins – a devastating diagnosis that led to the difficult decision to terminate for medical reasons.

“It wasn’t an easy decision, but it was a really clear decision for me to have a termination for medical reasons,” Indie shares with remarkable honesty about choosing to end their babies’ suffering rather than put them through what doctors described as inevitable pain and likely death.

The couple’s openness about this experience provides crucial representation for others facing similar heartbreaking decisions. They held a ceremony for their twins, burying them under their mulberry tree with family present, showing the importance of acknowledging and grieving pregnancy loss.

A Trans Pregnancy Experience

Indie’s subsequent pregnancy offered unique insights into the trans pregnancy experience. Having been on testosterone for four years, there were initial concerns about egg quality, though these proved unfounded when Indie produced 43 eggs during their IVF cycle.

“I was nauseous and vomiting for nine months,” Indi describes their severe pregnancy sickness, which required multiple medications throughout pregnancy. Despite the physical challenges, they found the experience of being a masculine person carrying a baby aligned with their non-binary identity.

Navigating healthcare as a trans person brought additional considerations, particularly when requiring a D&C at a women’s hospital. “Being trans on top of it, was obviously like… there was that added layer there of my body being in that space,” Indie explains, though they praise the compassionate care they received.

Labour, Transfer, and Birth

Indi’s labour began at 38+6 weeks but proved to be a marathon 54-hour experience. Starting at home with their midwifery team, labour progressed slowly despite strong contractions. After two days of labour at home, they made the decision to transfer to hospital.

“As soon as I decided to go to hospital, I was like, get me the epidural,” Indie shares, demonstrating how birth plans can evolve based on circumstances. The hospital staff were incredibly accommodating, setting up tea lights and salt lamps to maintain the calm atmosphere they’d planned for at home.

Clem was eventually born after 90 minutes of pushing, with Indie managing to birth on all fours despite the epidural – showing that hospital births can still honour physiological birth preferences.

Induced Lactation and Shared Feeding

One of the most beautiful aspects of their story is Zan’s successful induced lactation, allowing them to share the feeding responsibilities. Starting domperidone and the pill at 14 weeks, then pumping eight times daily from 34 weeks, Zan was producing 600ml daily by 37 weeks.

“It felt like a really awesome, beautiful, especially queer thing to do. It’s an amazing way to share the labour, the reproductive labor,” Zan explains, highlighting how this arrangement allowed both parents to experience the bonding benefits of feeding their baby.

Key Takeaways for Expectant Parents

This episode offers several important insights:

• Fertility treatment access: The importance of finding supportive clinics that understand diverse family structures
• Home birth transfers: How positive hospital experiences are possible even when plans change
• Pregnancy loss support: The value of acknowledging and grieving losses whilst continuing to build your family
• Trans pregnancy care: The need for inclusive, respectful healthcare for all birthing people
• Induced lactation: How non-birthing parents can participate in feeding and bonding

Zan and Indie’s story demonstrates that whilst the path to parenthood isn’t always straightforward, with the right support, determination, and flexibility, beautiful families can be built in many different ways. Their honesty about both the challenges and joys of their journey provides hope and practical guidance for others walking similar paths.